The door closed and there was silence. He took with him not only shirts and a toothbrush. He took away happiness (which still had so much left!), And air, and the ability to smile and speak.
“That's all, that's all” - it knocks on my head, and I don’t want anything else: neither live, nor move, nor love.
Desert of loneliness - This is how women who have left their husbands speak about the first days after the divorce. It seems that life is over. Strangles resentment, hatred. Very painful, very bitter. How to cope with the situation? How to survive a divorce from her husband?
First of all, it is necessary to understand: what is happening now is completely natural. This is a crisis time, but one day it will end. And psychologists have long compiled a list of clues just for such a case. And you should listen to them.
What you need to do to survive a divorce from your husband
So, life has changed forever. This must be recognized and move on. He is no more, and this bitter truth will have to be accepted. It's time to take responsibility for your life in your own hands. No one has the right to deprive a person of a happy life given by God. Especially the one who yesterday was the closest person and once took responsibility for the creation of a family.
Why does it hurt so much when a family breaks up? Where does this impotence, weakness, shaking hands and unwillingness to live come from? The answer actually lies on the surface. Life is energy. Everything that surrounds us is permeated by it. Love is the energy of happiness, joy, harmony. In the family, next to a loving man, a woman eats this spiritual food every day.
After a divorce, a constant influx of positive energy disappears along with its source, and a period of painfully weaning begins. It can be compared, oddly enough, with brittleness. Weaning is very difficult. If you do nothing, let the process go by chance, don’t try to find a new source of positive energy, you can sink to the bottom of the deepest depression. And this is fraught with the saddest consequences.
So the plan is this.
• Find the pros in the situation. It is better (for better evidence) to do it on paper. Take and write out all the positive points that gives a divorce. Finding out the pros should be diligent, not missing anything: do not have to cook dinner daily (plus a figure!), Ask for coffee with girlfriends, take apart men's socks in pairs, hang towels by color or size, etc.
• Get rid of the negative. All methods are good, including beating pillows and shouting dirty curses in the face with unrequited mezzanines. Psychologists advise to write down their grievances on leaflets and pronounce them out loud, using the formula "I am offended by the fact that ... I feel towards him ...". You can find the book “Radical Forgiveness” and work with the questionnaire there. And even better - to meet an ex-husband, you can even handle the new passion, and calmly express all your complaints and feelings in his face. This will bring a logical line under the relationship.
• A great option is physical activity. This is where you can throw out all the dirt and pain of recent months with benefits for mental and physical health! Yoga, a treadmill, water aerobics or parachuting section are all a great way to get rid of the negative and survive a divorce from your husband faster.
• Set a goal: to return your life to normal. Look for any opportunity to feel at least an echo of joy. Meet with friends, walk more, watch positive films, read good books, find a new hobby or reanimate an old one.
• Analyze what happened. This can only be done after the first pain has settled. The main thing is not to blame anyone, to take responsibility for your life on yourself. Neither he nor you are to blame. So it happened. But what can be done so that the situation does not happen again in the future?
• Start moving towards the future. This is a logical step after the reasons for the divorce have been analyzed. I need to tell myself: yes, now I feel bad, it seems that my life is over, but there was a time when I thought the same. Most likely, there have already been situations in life with difficult thoughts and feelings, but time has passed, and now the attitude to those past problems is completely different. Divorced will be the same!
• Behave as if the whole world exists for you. Take care of yourself, do not deny yourself anything, reduce the degree of responsibility for others, allow yourself to put your interests above the desires of children, parents or someone else.
• Pamper and love yourself. Shopping, a new hairstyle, spa, a good masseuse - that's what you need to restore lost harmony. In the end, pleasant bodily sensations and well-groomed appearance give the same positive energy. This is exactly what you need to survive a divorce from your husband.
If the depression continues, despite all efforts to end it, you need to seek professional help. A girlfriend as a vest is good, but sometimes it is not enough. Psychologist knows how to survive a divorce from her husband, and is necessary just like a surgeon or dentist.
And the last one. It is necessary to remove out of sight everything that reminds of a former husband and a departed happiness. Photo frames, cute shopping together, postcards, notes, discs with “your” music - all this is a place in the country, in a cardboard box or an old suitcase. Only throwing away anything under the influence of emotions is impossible. The time will come, the pain and resentment will go away, and the material memories hidden until the time will come in handy.
What you can’t do to survive a divorce from your husband
You can not hide negative feelings from itself. From others - as much as you want! Holding a face and all that is fine, but deep down every abandoned woman experiences anger, despair, resentment. And has every right to do so! Another thing is that you need to get rid of such negativity, otherwise you can get an answer in the form of total troubles and serious illnesses.
What else can not be done to survive a divorce from her husband?
• You can’t do it yourself. “Why and how it all happened,” “what would happen if I had acted differently then” - all this is empty thoughts, extra garbage in my head. What happened has already happened, and it is meaningless to chew on this sticky gum.
• You can not lock in four walls. You can grieve alone for a day, two, no more. Then you need to "go out into the people", no matter how difficult it is.
• You cannot forbid yourself weakness. Now everything is possible! Crying on the shoulder of a friend or a neighbor on the plane is beautiful and natural! Emotions need to live and splash out. And who was next - "I'm not to blame."
• You can not completely immerse yourself in work, hoping to be forgotten. Nothing will come of it, but you can become a neurotic in three seconds. Permanent fatigue not only does not color a woman, it also shakes the nervous system, which is already experiencing stress. So at least - no processing, at most - rest in the company of a best friend or proud loneliness. But you do not need to take a child with you. He will not let you relax, and this is exactly what is needed now.
• You cannot blame yourself. The most unproductive and fraught with prolonged depression path that does not help to survive a divorce from her husband. Take for axiom: no one owes nothing to anyone.
• One cannot obediently listen to criticisms addressed to anyone from anyone. Parents, relatives, neighbors, friends who allow themselves at least a word about your guilt in the collapse of the marriage, you need to immediately put in place. Most often, criticism is expressed in two uncomplicated phrases: "Children without a father left" and "A husband will not leave a good wife." You need to respond to such words with an icy expression on your face, emphasized by coldness and a direct verbal ban on discussing the topic of divorce.
• You can not drag yourself into the "continuation of the banquet." If someone begins to relate with pleasure how happy the ex-husband is in his new marriage, how he looks good, etc., the relationship with this person should be stopped immediately. This is a typical energy vampire, from which you need to get free.
Why can not take revenge to survive a divorce from her husband
Thoughts of revenge may follow after a divorce, but they should not be given a will. Sometimes the pain is so strong that you want to inflict it on your once beloved person. So that he too would be hurt, so that he would feel all that the abandoned woman feels.
Turn his life into hell? Ways to do this are usually chosen unseemly. To disgrace in the eyes of acquaintances and friends, to tell about everything on the social network, to go down to gossip - all this can, of course, be done. The only question is how much it will help and how it will affect the reputation.
Speaking of nastiness about the former husband, the woman simultaneously beats and humiliates herself. With pleasure savoring his shortcomings, slips, telling intimate details or disgustingly speaking about his current situation, the ex-wife would rather arouse pity and contempt for herself, rather than take revenge and harm him.
Negative experiences that actually need to be driven away from oneself, backed up by concrete and very unseemly actions, will not allow one to free oneself from the past. The nightmare will continue, destroying the soul, increasing stress, not allowing a new life to begin.
Release and forgive - the only way out. Only this will help to survive a divorce with her husband with the least loss.
How to survive a divorce from a husband if there is a common child
If the ex-husband left behind not only the silence of loneliness, but also the child, coping with the situation will be both easier and more difficult. It’s easier because caring for children will not allow you to freeze in complete inaction, disconnect from the outside world and lose touch with reality. More difficult, because you have to somehow explain everything to the baby. The problems of the adult world can hurt him.
How to survive a divorce from her husband if there is a child?
• In no case do not lie. A child, even a small one, must know the truth. A much healthier option for the child's psyche would be to tell in a language accessible to the baby why dad no longer lives with him. It is simply impossible to invent any stories. The truth will open sooner or later, and this will further undermine the child's confidence in the adult world.
• To keep silent about what happened, to cut off children's questions, to prohibit a child from pronouncing his father’s name is strictly prohibited. Otherwise, a person will grow up with a giant sense of guilt and numerous complexes. The ideal option is if parents explain the situation to the baby together. This is absolutely necessary for the sake of the child.
• In no case should you forbid to communicate with your father. The baby should feel the love and care of both parents, then the fact of their separate living will not cause much trouble to the psyche.
• But to take care of your mental state during the meetings of the child with the father must be in advance. You need to give yourself a clear statement: this is not an ex-husband, but the father of the baby. No hope, unrealistic pictures of reunion and other romantic nonsense! If the couple is destined to come together again, it will be so. But blackmailing a man with his love for a child, trying to somehow influence the situation in his favor is not worth it.
• Talking nasty things about her husband in the presence of a child is unacceptable. Trying to set him up against dad is disgusting and low. Mental health of the baby or teenager, it does not matter, irreparable harm will be done. A child, no matter what happens between parents, must be sure that both his mother and father love him and accept him.
Why you should not have an affair immediately after a divorce from your husband
The most common mistake after a divorce is to suddenly jump out to get married. I especially want to do this if the husband left for a reason, and to another woman, and even married her. Such "revenge" will not lead to anything good. And you will ruin the life of another, innocent person, and you will not find happiness for yourself.
A common story: in order to survive a divorce from her husband, a woman finds a replacement for him. He does it urgently, thoughtlessly, often without any choice. A series of short-term novels begins, which do not help at all, bring only disappointment and guilt. Stress does not go away, but only increases.
The fact is that until the pain is gone, it makes no sense to hide it behind new relationships. It will not help to forget what happened, but feelings will initially be built on a comparison of the chosen one with her ex-husband. Of course, they will not be long-term nor happy. It takes time to recover, calm down, accept the loss. Acting in a state of nervous excitement, you can do a lot of stupid things, for which later it will be a shame.
Still be fine. Former married again or going to do it? Perfectly!
Tell yourself: it is better to find; worse - find; and such as I will never find!
This is a secret mantra that will help release resentment and increase self-esteem.
How to survive a divorce from her husband? Forgive and let go in peace. Negative emotions need to be replaced by positive ones, to find sources of a new energy of joy. And gradually the gray world around will acquire colors again, it will be possible to breathe easily and move forward - to happiness and a new love.
